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Teach Kids to be Losers
on October 1, 2009
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Love this post, and I always enjoy your humor. I agree with the thoughts here but think part of what we need to teach kids is to enjoy the process. I recently...
Love this post, and I always enjoy your humor. I agree with the thoughts here but think part of what we need to teach kids is to enjoy the process. I recently heard a parent greet a child as she came off the soccer field with this question: "Did you have fun? Did you enjoy playing?" I wanted to applaud. This parent communicated that regardless of the outcome, the focus is fun. That's not meant to imply that one shouldn't give a best effort, but our society has largely lost the joy of participation. You can see this in the behavior of many parents at children's sporting events. When did t-ball championships become so important to 30-something adults?!? We learn, we laugh, we grow. These should not be sacrificed to a joy-only-in-victory mentality.
on Oct 1, 2009
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We need to stop. Far too many of us spend way too much time teaching our kids to be "winners." (For the record, I’m a big fan of the "air quotes.") Everyone likes a winner, but I’m not everyone. I like losers.
As parents, we spend hours teaching our kids how to win. I’m starting to think we have it backward. I think we need to teach them how to lose. Winners are put on a pedestal, but I think losers are the ones who deserve our admiration.
This wasn’t the case when I was kid (back in the early 1800s). I didn’t really have any interest in losing. In fact, my first four years of youth baseball resulted in four undefeated championship seasons (if my memory hasn’t failed me — again). Yes, that’s right: four seasons, four championships.
At that point in my life I was pretty sure I had it figured out. While I felt badly (a little) for the other teams we were crushing — actually, never mind, I didn’t feel badly at all. What I felt was “I’m a baseball god and you losers are my subjects and should bow before me.” Some might take this as cocky, and they would be correct.
As you can see, I had put little thought into the fact that I had teammates. In my mind, it was me and all me. Life was good. Show up. Go to practice. Win every game. Collect trophy. See you next year. Thanks for coming everybody and don’t forget to tip your waitress!
I’m not going to lie: It was sweet. I was living the dream — at least as much of a dream that an 11-year-old can live. Things were going along quite nicely until year 5. Then we had a problem: We didn’t win (notice, "we won" was all me, but when "we lost," it was all “we”).
I don’t remember the exact details, but I wasn’t prepared to lose. Losing is what the other kids and teams did. I’ve tried to erase the exact details from my mind, but I’m sure there was crying involved and, possibly, the sad attempt at trying to catch my breath while talking and trying to nonchalantly wipe the tears out of my eyes.
It turns out that winning is easy. Losing is hard — especially when you’re not prepared for it. Losing isn’t nice. It sneaks up and punches you right in the throat (maybe that’s what caused the man tears).
This disastrous year 5 mega loss has haunted me for more than 30 years. It has also resulted in my theory that we need to prepare our kids for losing, not winning.
Winning is pretty self-explanatory. Not a lot of preparation goes into being a successful winner. Losing is far more complicated — and takes practice.
To read more blog entries by Michael Smith, visit his site PrincipalsPage.com.
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Comments
on Oct 1, 2009
Love this post, and I always enjoy your humor. I agree with the thoughts here but think part of what we need to teach kids is to enjoy the process. I recently heard a parent greet a child as she came off the soccer field with this question: "Did you have fun? Did you enjoy playing?" I wanted to applaud. This parent communicated that regardless of the outcome, the focus is fun. That's not meant to imply that one shouldn't give a best effort, but our society has largely lost the joy of participation. You can see this in the behavior of many parents at children's sporting events. When did t-ball championships become so important to 30-something adults?!? We learn, we laugh, we grow. These should not be sacrificed to a joy-only-in-victory mentality.
on Oct 6, 2009
At first I was only interested in seeing where the article went. But after reading and thinking about what the writer was saying, it made sense. In todays world the push is toward the top, which does not allow improvement for those that choose to find a nich somewhere on the ladder of success. Even the Military fails to understand that not every person can be in charge, this also applys to everyday living. Are those that do not succeed to the standards considered looser? so confirming to the set standards has produced those that are not taught to understand that being a "looser" is not the end of success.
on Oct 6, 2009
I'd like to change the heading to say as you do in the text; "Teach our kids HOW to lose" rather than to BE losers... Failure is not about falling over, it's about not getting up afterward. I wonder if in fact the concept of winning should be seen as more of an internal issue measured against our own capabilities and eforts, rather than externally, as in beating someone else? Maybe we can learn that being a winner is about always giving of our best, remembering of course that this will depend, at any one time, on the other influences in our lives. Sports for many kids these days is as much a career opportunity as say, Maths or Science, and those with a real competitive attitude will have a lot more fun, win or lose, when they prepare well and perform to the best of their ability. Perhaps this is the process as mentioned by an earlier commentor. I worry about the current focus on pure "fun" for kids these days... this often appears to be at the expense of all life's other lessons. We do our kids no favours in this. Life has always been, is, and will always be, about hard work, making the most of your opportunities, setting goals and working to achieve them. When did this sort of approach become no longer fun?
on Oct 7, 2009
This is so true. I have also found that we are not realistic with our students. I've had counselors send students to the presentation from the rep from Yale University who will barely graduate. Where is the reality check?
It is the same with trying to give students "self-esteem". You can not give self-esteem, it has to be earned.
I also loved your humor in the article.
on Oct 7, 2009
Interesting, but misses the key issue of 'grace under fire' and being able to pick yourself up and get back into the contest.
As said in the comments by Ron, understand that being a "looser" is not the end of success.
All of us do lose, at times, and how we face that defeat shows our character.
The real definition of success should always be that "a winner" is someone who handles defeat, in stride, and then goes back into the contest, and wins later on, not someone who is destroyed by their loss.
BTW: I agree that the title should be "handling defeat" not "teaching kids to lose."
A student of mine asked, "After your Negotiation course will I always win all my negotiations like you do." The short answer is NO, because no one wins all the time. Success is winning more often, and surviving and growing through your mistakes and defeats.
I might also add that Kids should also be taught how to apologize when they hurt someone and do what they can to make the situation better.
on Oct 13, 2009
Almost got it right. We teach kids today that there are no losers. They play games, but scores are not kept. Kids are told they are all winners. However, there is value in teaching a child how to lose gracefully, and how to compete fairly and honorably. These values are not stressed enough in today's elementary education.
