This week, I was in touch with a reporter from a major national newspaper for a story on parents who help their kids through the process of getting into graduate school. The initial query mentioned how going through the grad school application process together might “deepen the parent-child relationship.”  

Well, that set me off. “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this topic,” I told her when we talked by phone. I didn’t pussyfoot around about my opinion: Those who cannot manage the grad school application process without hand-holding by mom and dad are clearly not ready for graduate school.

I asked if she’d been in touch with many parents of 22 year olds who are considering grad school. She assured me that, yes, there were plenty of them out there. More recent grads are choosing to go right into grad school after finding that they can’t get a job. (Let’s ignore the obvious problems with this strategy for now.) She’d even had lengthy conversations with parents of 28, 30 and even 32 year olds who live at home, lost their job, struggle with student loans and now plan to go back to grad school in order to get a better job later.  

I understand how a down economy can force us to consider options we wouldn’t under other circumstances, and I appreciate the frustration of parents who are watching their young adult children struggle in the process of finding a job. But I cannot fathom why any parent would consider it their role to step in and handle the application process. I know this is happening — I’ve heard from admissions people as well as employers who can’t believe how parents are hounding them to get their brilliant-but-bored daughter into a master’s program or hire their so-far-unemployed-but-full-of-potential son for that plum position.  

The age at which we expect our kids to become adults has inched up so insidiously that we haven’t noticed how little we expect of our twenty-somethings. Looking back at previous generations helps us recognize that what we think our kids are capable of pales in comparison to what our ancestors were doing at that same age.

I ask you this: What were your parents doing at the age of 24? What about your grandparents? I am guessing they were married, had a kid or two, owned a home and worked. They may have been in the military, or they might have immigrated to the U.S. and built a business. But I am almost certain they were not counting on their parents to help them get into grad school.

Some insist that new research defends the notion of reducing our expectations and giving our kids longer to grow up. Recent studies indicate that the human brain continues to mature until the age of 25 or so and that many young adults are incapable of making fully mature decisions until that age.

Well, duh. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give them a chance to practice!  

In fact, practice is what they need most. Research shows it’s not time that helps our kids’ brains mature — it’s opportunities to practice making decisions on their own. The only way they’ll be able to develop the ability to function as adults is if we get out of the way and let them do so! Protecting them from the inevitable disappointments of the job-hunting process and stepping in to make sure they get into grad school (and avoid any more of those icky interviews or hope-dashing no-thanks e-mails) robs them of the experiences they need to become adults who can stand on their own two feet.

There are many cultures in which young adults live with their parents until they get married, and it’s not at all unusual for them to stay until past the age of 30. This joint living arrangement provides an economic advantage for the young person who can save money for their eventual departure from the nest. It’s a valid option in our U.S. culture as well.  

However, it’s one thing to provide a roof over the heads of our 22 year olds and expect them to make meaningful contributions to the running of the household — it’s another to treat them like 10 year olds who can’t get out of bed on their own or plan their daily schedule without our help. Parents do their kids a terrible disservice by maintaining the parent-as-boss (or enabler) role rather than shifting to a side-by-side relationship.  

We were surprised when our 21-year-old daughter told us that she’d enrolled in graduate school in New York. She had spent a year abroad in high school, earned her B.S. in Canada at 19, traveled in Latin America for a few months and had been working at a family clinic in Harlem and supporting herself financially for over a year.  

We pointed out that working full time and going to school at night was a tough schedule to maintain. “Yes, I know,” she replied. “But I really want to work at the same time so I can practice what I’m learning.” Clearly, she was passionate about public health, but she also had a great deal of relevant experience and knew that this was a perfect fit for her.  

Her employer offered to pay for her tuition because she would be improving programs at the clinic while she studied. She finished her master’s in urban public health in May at 23 and was courted for a new job with a different nonprofit. Her clinic board members gave her their blessing — she had served the clinic well and was free to go out into the community and do the work she was most excited to do. (She’s now the program director for a nonprofit in Washington Heights.)

The best thing we parents can do for our young 20-somethings is allow them to find their passions without any pushing on our part. Packing master’s programs with immature students who are ill-equipped for adult life and clueless about their real talents and interests might be a great money-making move for universities, but it ultimately results in a bigger crash for those who expect the world to swoon at their feet once they’ve got that advanced degree (and even more student loans to repay).

If your student has no experience in the area of that coveted master’s degree, no exposure to life in the world beyond their campus and hometown and cannot manage to fill out a few application forms without your assistance, STOP!  Take responsibility as a parent and mentor and encourage them to do whatever they can to learn more about themselves.

Sitting in more classes won’t help our kids grow up. Biding time in the basement won’t work. Getting them out into the world — and out from under the protective wings of profs and parents — will give them what they need most: a chance to become confident young adults with something valuable to give.

To read more blog entries by Maya Frost, visit her site MayaFrost.com.