The Battle Against Learned Helplessness

I've read several articles and blog posts recently about education consultants who charge as much as $40,000 to get a student into college. Now, I recognize that there are many education consultants who offer valuable assistance to families struggling with the college admissions process and that most don't charge near that amount. However, I think it's important for parents and others to understand that there is a booming business based on fear and ego and that parents are the target market because they feel helpless and afraid that they can't navigate the college admissions process without professional assistance.

I love reading the comments posted below the online articles from students whose parents paid big bucks to get into a top school — and who now feel it was a waste of money (for various reasons). Generally these students learned that:

1. An elite school does not guarantee any advantages.
2. The money their parents paid would have been better spent on experiences to help the student prepare for life as a young adult rather than getting into a prestigious college.
3. They feel stupid for being suckered into paying that much for services that they could have duplicated for far less.

Listen, if a family has the means and the desire to have someone help their kids get into the college of their dreams, that's its business. The problem is that the parents are teaching their kids that they are helpless and must rely on others to get what they want in this world.

Those who flock to specialists to help their kids get into college are perpetuating the learned helplessness that characterizes so many students' lives before, during and after college.  These kids are learning that they can't do it on their own (despite the fact that thousands of other kids manage somehow) and that they need high-end coaching for years in order to make things happen.

When we hear about 20-somethings who don't have a clue what they want to do, we need only look at the path that led them to that point — and how seldom they had an opportunity to make and trust their decisions and move forward without relying upon help from others.

Why would parents send the message that their kids aren't going to have a chance to succeed unless they get into a prestigious college? Why don't parents have more confidence in their kids' ability to follow the steps required to get the job done? Why do we put so much emphasis on the process of getting into college rather than the process of becoming a confident, competent, compassionate adult who is able to thrive in the world without help?

I believe that most parents have good instincts, but these get buried under layers of fear, ego and learned helplessness. Every day, I get e-mails from parents asking me to help their kids get into college. I tell them I offer a 30-minute call after they've read my book, but that I think they are capable of moving forward without help from me or anyone else.

Now, a savvy businessperson would say I should milk these parents for all they're worth, and my bank account would certainly be much fatter if I did. But I know that parents don't need a ton of coaching to help their kids get into college — what they need is information and inspiration to help them become less helpless and fearful. They need encouragement to become calm, wise mentors who allow their kids to become confident enough to lead their education process.

When we rely on expensive services to prep kids for top schools, we are telling them that they can't possibly compete in the real world without our assistance — and our money. Parents who want their kids to be able to get great jobs they love after graduation (without their help) are better off teaching their kids how to flesh out an idea, research the heck out of it, and follow the thread that leads to the most thrilling and fulfilling opportunities.

Parents: If you are considering paying for college help, consider what you are saying to your son or daughter by hiring a consultant to do what most families handle without assistance. Think about how you might spend that money in a way that could give your student more opportunities to develop confidence, relevant skills, a clear sense of direction and flaming enthusiasm.

The biggest problem with learned helplessness is that it's contagious and hereditary. Stop the cycle now, and your kids will have a much brighter future.

To read more blog entries by Maya Frost, visit her site MayaFrost.com.